March is that month when I start looking at my New Year's Resolutions and ... start forgetting about them.

I have been frustrated with my skill and style for so long. The only difference this year is that I have been taking real steps to address this frustration. I finally started doing what my teacher told me to do in 2009: go back to frigging paper and classical drawing and try to actually learn something new.

And this actually proved to be a rewarding experience somehow. I mean I finally noticed I improved (maybe not the kind of jump I was hoping for but I finally got to a point where I can actually SEE where the improvement is), which is a good start. I didn't actually post a lot, but I have done a lot. I was going thru my sketchbooks one of these days and I have already produced THIS YEAR more than I did on the previous TWO years. So drawing is one of those thing where quantity and quality work side by side, right? It is easy to see that I have improved cuz I have actually DONE a lot more. So practice, practice, practice.

Drawing is just one other thing on top of so many others that won't happen unless I quit thinking and start doing. This is one of the things I wish my therapist would give me a magical solution to: how the fuck does one lift their butt off the couch and do shit? Every time I start wondering why I jsut can't do shit I get to this same conclusion... I don't feel ready. I don't feel good enough. I wish I were good enough. I think this general feeling of inadequacy is what actually sets me down in life. For everything. How do I move off it?

These tendrils go on and on around in life:

In WoW, they keep me from doing my best DPS. I know how good I can be, I have reached the top ONCE and then again I can't repeat that for some reason. Sometimes I fear so much that I will be the worst on list that I actually just can't climb to the top.

In drawing, they keep me from trying again and again and again until I'm pleased. I just start a picture and once I see a few defects on it I just ditch it and wander off from drawing for a month feeling bad and feeling I will never get better.

In dieting, they make me feel I can't lose weight without getting sick again. I mean there is nothing I want more than being thin like I once was and nothing I fear more than getting sick again. But then every time my diet starts working again, I get that awe and completeness rush that set me on the mood... I still don't understand how on earth feeling great is actually bad, but I just can't feel as happy as I was when I was sick. Sometimes I wish I was sick again, then I feel guilty for feeling like that.

In my professional life it makes me just postpone the time I should concentrate on advertising. Every time I just feel I'm not that awesome yet. SO I shouldn't place ads yet, I should be a better illustrator first... But then WHEN?